Can't Get None
by JakeisNessiesBitch
Summary: love-birds Renesmee and Jacob are trying to take their relationship to the next level... but will they ever succeed? LEMONS rated M for language and sexual situations
1. Happy Birthday Jacob!

**A/N: So, this idea hit me last night, I'm so proud of it, I could just cry...HERE YOU GO!**

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**Renesmee Cullen**

Holy crap. I was shitting my pants when I glanced at the clock and realized it was six o' clock. I wrung my wrists and bit my lip. I felt like a total idiot and I almost when home…_almost_.

I pulled at the bottom of Jacob's huge football jersey that rested mid-thigh on me. I felt like a twig in this jersey, but hopefully I looked really hot to Jacob. I ran my hand through my hair and closed my eyes. Jacob would be home today from work at six thirty, just like every other day. The only difference?

Today was his birthday and I was going to give him a gift he would never forget.

Jacob and I were in a serious relationship. We didn't throw around "I love you" like other couples did, we meant it. We were both virgins and I pretty sure neither of us had any idea what we were supposed to do when the clothes were off. Billy, Jacob's dad, was out of town and Jacob was turning the magic seventeen today. I heard the front door creak open and I lost my marbles, right there.

My hands immediately went to the light switch in his room and I waited, the dark felt like a freaking tomb as I waited for Jacob to walk in. I convinced Jacob to give me the spare key to his house, many months ago, planning for something like this.

Jacob's footsteps got closer and I shook my head and flung it back and forth, looking for a wild "sex hair" look.

Jacob walked into his room and I swear, no one's footsteps had ever made me so nervous. I leaned on the windowsill, sitting down on the bench underneath it and crossing my legs. Jacob flipped the light on and dropped the glass he had in his hand.

"Holy- Renesmee?" Jacob yelled as the glass slipped from his hand.

"Hey there birthday boy." I tried to sound seductive, but came up sounding like a drag queen.

"Renesmee, you scared the crap out of me." Jacob panted. "What are you-whoa." Jacob's jaw dropped and I nodded, feeling like an idiot, but glad he was taking the bait.

"Happy birthday Jacob." I found that I sounded a lot more like a drunk man than a hot chick.

"Oh, well uh," Jacob smirked and walked up to me, lifting my leg and hitching it around his hip. "This might just be the best birthday present I've ever gotten." He smiled and kissed up my neck. I laughed one of those creepy, breathy laughs and melted in his arms.

NO! _I _was seducing _him_ not the other way around. I licked Jacob's ear and he moaned. "That's my goal." I decided to whisper, that way I sounded a lot more like a girl.

"Renesmee, what is exactly is your goal for tonight?" Jacob chuckled seductively into my ear. Dang, has he done this before?

"Well, I was thinking we could have a little fun…play around a little…whatever you want." I continued to whisper into his ear, letting my lips brush against his neck and ear. He trembled and I gave myself a mental high-five for the goose bumps I was raising all over his body.

"I think that might be a good idea…the um…outfit, you are wearing might have caused me to do some very naughty things without your permission." Jacob laughed and I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Well, say the word, and you'll get what you want." I smiled and backed away slowly, beckoning to him with my finger. Jacob licked his lips and stalked towards me. I laid back on his bed and Jacob hovered over me, kissing down my neck and back up. I weaved my hands into Jacob's short, choppy hair and kissed his mouth seductively, sucking on his bottom lip as we usually did when we made out. Jacob grinded against me and I could feel the hard bump in his jeans against my thigh. Jacob leaned back and he slowly lifted his shirt over his head. My eyes glazed over Jacob's amazing body and I looked back up at his face.

Jacob unbuttoned his jeans and I just watched, feeling the drool pool in my mouth. He slowly slid his jeans off and hovered back over me. I knew what I was about to do was going to take all of the strength I had. I grabbed the tops of Jacob's shoulders and pushed to the right until I was on top of him. I panted with the effort and Jacob laughed.

"You could've just asked me to roll over." He smiled and I rolled my eyes, kissing down from his neck to his navel, all the while looking up to watch Jacob's expression. Jacob licked his lips and bit down on his lower lip. "Renesmee you're torturing me." Jacob whined. _Good._ I thought to myself. "Shirt, take it off." Jacob growled.

I smiled as seductively as possible and got up, teasing Jacob by pulling his jersey slowly up my body. I stole Alice's frequent buyer card from Victoria's Secret and bought a red bra and panties lacey number especially for tonight.

"Renesmee." Jacob moaned his eyes were half-lidded and glazed over with he had a lazy grin on his face; I backed up, slowly lifting my shirt. I backed towards the doorway so I could take off the shirt and run into Jacob's lap.

I screamed at the top of my lungs when the sharp shards of glass form Jacob's glass before penetrated my foot. "OUCH! Mother fu-Get it out!" I screeched. Jacob hopped up from the bed, his hands trying to figure out how to get me to the car , he settled on grabbing the tops of my shoulders.

"I'm taking you to the hospital." Jacob muttered to mostly himself as he grabbed his keys and threw me over his shoulder as we headed for his car. Jacob shoved me into the passengers seat. I cried out in pain praying that I wouldn't need to much to be done…and oh my god, if my dad found out… I began to sob, thinking of how many ways my dad could possible kill me if he found out.

Jacob sped towards the hospital before he looked down and cursed to himself. "I forgot pants!" Jacob yelled. We stopped in front of the hospital and Jacob threw me over his shoulder and ran me into the ER. "Someone help her!" Jacob screamed as we entered the ER. A doctor was already in the lobby, talking to a nurse when he looked over at us.

"What the hell?" He muttered as he reached for his cell phone. "Yeah, it's doctor Hanno, get Dr. Chin in here, we've got a couple of horny teenager's gone wrong." He ordered into the phone. I felt my face grow red and I realized with the way Jacob was holding me over his shoulder, everyone could see my panties. "Yeah, we're going to have to alert the parents." He shook his head as he continued his conversation on the phone.

_Shit._

This would definitely be a birthday gift Jacob would never forget.

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**A/N: LQTM! You know that was funny! Lemme know wuzzup in a review fool!**

**Love, Gaby xD**


	2. Can You Say EMBARASSING?

**Disclaimer: Hopefully y'all already know I don't own Twilight; Stephenie Meyer does, and if you don't... we might have a problem here. **

**A/N: Welp, I've had a lot or request to add to the "Happy Birthday Jacob!" Oneshot and I've decided to make this into a miniseries of Renesmee and Jacob having some really bad luck with losing their virginity. ENJOY! This one is personally my favorite!**

**R&R!**

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Jacob Black

"Renesmee." I moaned, her hands knotting into my hair as my hands grazed the back of her bra.

"Shhh." Renesmee whispered. I gently wiped the tousled hair from Renesmee's face and kissed her again, tenderly rubbing my tongue against hers.

"I love you so much." I moaned. Renesmee laughed lightly and kissed my neck.

"I love you too." She whispered in between kisses. It had only been a week since Renesmee and I got caught almost having sex but not before she stepped into a pile of broken glass when she tried to surprise me for my birthday and have us both loose our virginity.

Her father definitely let me have it, yelling at me for -without exaggeration- hours about "_responsibility_" and "_dignity_" and "_waiting until we both know it's the right time so you don't end up with a baby selling drugs in Seattle._"

I loved Renesmee with all of my heart and I knew we were ready to make love. I know the whole "wait until marriage" thing sounds like a good idea, but we're so young. I tried to tell my dad that we were way too young for marriage but he just told me "Jacob, if your too young for marriage, then you are way too young for sex."

Thanks Dad.

But the thing is, I _would _be willing to make that commitment to Renesmee. I could see myself with her for the rest of my life, but how long would I have to wait? Would she even say yes? Would we last? It would break my heart if we didn't and it would hurt forever more if she said no.

So what is there left to do?

"Do you want to?" I whispered against Renesmee's neck, obviously referring to having sex.

"Mhm." She moaned. I took off Renesmee's shirt and stared down at her.

This was it.

No one to interrupt our special moment. No grouchy, chastity fueled, prude parent's to ruin this for us. We were going to do it. Renesmee smiled a sexy grin, panting, with her dark, bronze curls sprawled out in every direction. Her green eyes wild with want and need.

With a shirt, Renesmee was something out of this world, without a shirt, she was something else entirely. I kissed Renesmee from neck to navel and she shivered with pleasure. I was nervous and I didn't know what I was doing. I was a lot bigger than her and I could probably really hurt her... What if I did hurt her? What if I hurt her so bad, she would never want to see me again?

"Jacob." she moaned. I responded by licking the side of her neck and she gasped. I was ready, even if it was a bit awkward, I was ready. I was ready for her to see me and for me to see her.

Just as I was about to take my pants off a thought hit me so hard it knocked the wind outta me.

"Condoms!" I shouted. "Shit!" I fell back against the driver's seat and sighed.

"Damn it." Renesmee sighed.

"Every time…" I shook my head and sat down next to Renesmee. It was like we were cursed to never have sex. First my birthday and now this. What the hell were we going to do know? I was hornier than I've ever been in my entire life and there was nothing I could do about it. I would have to drop Renesmee off at her house as quickly as possible and then rush home for the longest cold shower of my life.

"Y'know, there's a 7 Eleven down the road. They sell condoms." Renesmee smiled seductively, running her fingers across my collarbone as she kissed my chin.

"Well, let's go. But quick, cause there's no way in hell I am going to be able to wait for too long." I laughed nervously, referring to my massive erection.

"Well, start the car." Renesmee smiled seductively, making my erection at least three times bigger. I hopped into the driver's seat as Renesmee slid her shirt back over her head. I sped down the road that led to the 7 Eleven as fast as the Rabbit would let me and pulled into the parking lot. I hopped out and ran for the front door. I could hear Renesmee behind me as I flung the door open.

"Hurry!" She urged. I ran for the first pack of condoms I saw.

"Flavored?" I asked Renesmee.

"What? No! Why would I need that?" Renesmee whispered fiercely.

"Well I dunno, it's for your benefit like if you decide you want to…" I trailed off, thinking of Renesmee's mouth on my-

"No, just get the regular ones." Renesmee interrupted my wishful thinking.

"But there's like twenty different kinds." I complained. Which one were we supposed to buy? I picked up a pack of _Trojan _condoms.

"What size do you need?" Renesmee whispered.

"I dunno! Like I've ever used one before!" I whisper-yelled.

"Well, it has to not fall off." Renesmee rolled her eyes.

"Get the extra large." I whispered. Renesmee snorted and I looked over at her. "What?" I snapped.

"Get the large." Renesmee bit her lip to keep from laughing.

"Whatever." I grumbled.

"Get the _Ecstasy The one that's like 'it feels like nothing's there.'_" Renesmee mimicked.

"Fine, okay, let's go." I grabbed Renesmee by the waist. By now we were both panting as I pulled out my wallet at the cash register. "Just this." I panted and slid it up to the counter. I didn't hear anything and glanced up to where Renesmee was standing. Her face was paler than ever and when I looked up; I saw why.

Ringing up our condoms was Renesmee's older brother; Emmett.

_Oh fuck me. _

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**Woopsies! Guess what certain older brother told a certain father!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**(Hint: Emmett) **

**Did you get it? **

**R&R HOEZ!!**


	3. Sex Camp Lunch Hour

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Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, or any of it's character's for that matter… but if I had one wish….

**A/N: Welp, enjoy it! I worked hard on it even though it is kind-of short. It's just a little incident that I found would be embarrassing yet funny. **

**R&R!!!!**

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**Renesmee Masen **

"So that, class, is why the skill of propaganda is so important when you are running against someone or something in a competition. Or trying to get someone's vote." Mr. Josephs finished his usual boring ass lecture and opened his old mouth again. "Homework." He began. Everyone in the class groaned in unison. "Write me five examples of propaganda in the sketching of the Boston Massacre."

Just as Mr. Josephs finished assigning homework, the bell rang and I stuffed my books into my book bag. It sucks that after the worst weekend of my life; I still had to go to school and put a smile on my face.

Jacob and I decided we would loose our virginity to each other in the back of his 1986 Volkswagen Rabbit last weekend, but not before we realized that we had no condoms. We decided to stop by the gas station to grab a condom or two and ran into my older brother; running the cash register that night.

I guess that's why I remembered there was a 7 Eleven down the road.

Of course, my snotty, snoopy, annoying, stupid, Neanderthal of a brother told my dad about our little run-in and I spent the _entire _weekend at a "Great To Wait" sexual seminar. It was terrible, there were about twenty kids there, complaining about how bad they _need _sexual intercourse.

_I do not need sexual intercourse. _

So, I drove to school this morning and sucked it up, pretending like it was any other day.

I snapped back into reality and walked out the door into the hallway full of adolescents' and snotty teenagers. I had made my way half way through the hall when I stopped for a moment to check my cell phone.

"Hey, weren't you at that "Great To Wait" seminar?" I looked up to see some odd looking boy I saw at "Sex Camp" pretty much breathing down my neck.

Shit, shit, shitty, shit, shit.

"No." I snapped and walked swiftly down the hall. Two enormous muscular arms wrapped around my waist from behind and I instantly recognized the sweet gesture as Jacob's.

"Hello there sweetheart." He whispered into my ear.

"Hey." I smiled as he kissed me lightly on the lips.

"How was your weekend?" Jacob kissed my neck and we walked hand in hand to our next class. Lindsey Yin glared at me from across the hall with her little group of mini-Yin's.

"Uh, good." I lied coolly, not wanting to let Jacob know anything about my Sex Seminar.

"I missed you." He whispered suggestively.

"Jacob," I giggled, "We're in school."

"So?" Jacob wagged his eyebrows at me and I laughed out loud.

"So, where are we supposed to go? The storage closet?" I joked.

"That's one option." Jacob chuckled.

"Jake, I have to get to class. I'll see you at lunch though." I pecked him lightly and he groaned.

"Fine, I'll save you a seat." Jacob winked and walked off to his next class. I made it to my class just in time and took my seat quietly. Mrs. Ibanez bantered on about the rules of Science Safety so we could perform our science lab tomorrow.

The clock was ticking by slowly and I was just waiting for the bell to ring so I could head to lunch and see Jacob. I smiled thinking of Jacob and Mrs. Ibanez stopped talking.

"Girl, why the hell are you smiling?" Mrs. Ibanez snapped.

"Huh?" I mumbled.

"_Huh_?" She made a face like an idiot and used a confused tone to mimic me. The entire class began to snicker and I felt like burying my head under the school.

"Sorry, I wasn't paying attention." I smiled sourly.

"Damn straight." Mrs. Ibanez stuck her nose up in the air and spun on her heel to write on the board. I flopped my head down onto the cool blacktop of the lab desk and sighed.

"You okay?" Seth Clearwater asked next to me. He patted my back, whispering his question.

"No." I whispered back. Seth was one of my oldest friends and he always understood when I just wanted to be left alone. Seth nodded -mostly to himself- and pulled his hand back slowly, watching as Mrs. Ibanez wrote more notes on the board.

The bell rang and Mrs. Ibanez jumped. "Damn," She muttered to herself, "That was quick." I strode to the cafeteria wanting to see Jacob bad. So bad I bumped into at least eight sixth graders with their enormous book bags. The only downside of being at Quileute High Charter School was that we had to share the school with a bunch of stupid, immature, children.

I pushed both doors open to the cafeteria and spotted Jacob at a lunch table in the back of the cafeteria all by himself. I rolled my eyes and stomped to the end of the cafeteria. I grabbed Jacob's chin and pulled his mouth onto mine. He was scared and shocked at first, but melted into the kiss and pulled me into his lap.

"Anxious?" Jacob chuckled.

"I hate sixth graders." I sighed and kissed him again.

"Well, if I was a sixth grader would you hate me?" Jacob kissed the side of my neck and smiled.

"Hmm, that's a tough one." I tapped my chin. Jacob's mouth popped open.

"Do you really have to think about it?" Jacob pouted.

"Hmmm, no, I suppose I wouldn't hate you." I smiled and kissed Jacob's cheek. "But if you were a sixth grader I would never be caught dead doing what we did last weekend." I shook my head and Jacob laughed.

"Well, Mitus would not appreciate you're mean humor." Jacob stuck his tongue out at me and I rolled my eyes. Jacob was referring to his rather large Pit-bull Mitus, who has loved me ever since I walked through Jacob's door the first time I ever went to Jacob's house.

"I'm sure he would forgive me." I snorted. Jacob made small circles with his finger on my shoulder and my shirt began to slide further and further down my shoulder.

"Jake…" I warned.

"Ness, please." Jacob whined.

"Jake, we're at _school_." I lectured. Jacob rolled his eyes and then made a face as if he just realized something.

Then he did it.

Jacob smiled his sexy, carefree, laidback smirk and I felt my stomach muscles tighten and coil in the southern region.

"You sure?" Jacob smiled than damn sexy grin again and I felt like I was going to have to mop up the mess I was about to make.

"Jake." I tried to sound fierce but it came out as a moan and only fueled Jacob more.

"No one would notice if we went into one of the stalls." Jacob whispered into my ear and it made me shiver.

"I don't want to loose my virginity to you in a school cafeteria bathroom stall." I trembled, it was so hard to say "no" to Jacob when all I wanted to say was "YES! YES! YES! OH MY GOD YES!"

"Renesmee…" Jacob moaned and that was it.

"Let's go." I blurted out and stood up. Jacob smiled a shit eating grin and grabbed my hand. We slid unnoticed into the cafeteria's janitor closet and it began.

Jacob's hands were at the hem of my shirt and he pulled my shirt right over my head while my hands worked on his belt. I unfastened it quickly and he slid his shirt up over his head as I shimmied my pants down to my ankles.

This was it! This was it! I was going to make love to Jacob!

Jacob's mouth was on mine the instant we were both in our underwear. Jacob stopped and bent down, grabbing something from his pocket.

"Condom." He panted, "I came prepared." He winked. I smashed myself into Jacob and his arms rubbed down my back and to my butt, where he lifted me and I wrapped my legs around his waist.

"Go." I moaned. Jacob's hands were at his underwear's waistline the second the word left my mouth.

A flash of light in the dark closet made both of our heads snap up and standing on the other side of the door was the janitor, the principal, Coach Hussmann, and every kid in the cafeteria.

"That's the girl from my sex seminar!" That same damn kid from the hallway shouted and I felt my whole body run cold.

I guess I _do_ need sexual intercourse.

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**Yeah, talk about embarrassing. Don't worry homies, I promise to have another chapter out as soon as possible! **

**REEEEEEVVVVIIEEEEWWWWWW!**


	4. Locker Room

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does and for that, I am forever grateful.**

**A/N: This is just a short little chapter to keep you guys entertained. ENJOY!**

**Renesmee**

I stood here in the locker room after Jacob's football game in this overly tight and very skimpy cheerleading outfit for one reason and one reason only, I was going to seduce him. I was tired of prancing around like walking on nails. Every freaking time we are about to do the dirty deed, we are interrupted.

Not this time.

I flipped my hair back and forth when I heard the opening of the locker room door. I ducked behind a row of lockers as I heard Jacob's footsteps get closer and closer.

"Hey there, stud." I said in a low, provocative voice.

"Renesmee?" He sounded shocked but I knew he would be even more shocked once he saw me.

"Who else?" I used that same seductive tone, walking slowly behind the lockers. I imagined Jacob and I, on top of one another, pulsing, loving, moaning, and I let out a low whimper.

"Where are you?" He asked, I could hear his footsteps trying to walk around the lockers and find me. I pranced behind the opposite row of lockers and tripped on the bench. I hit my shin really, _really_ hard and I whimpered.

"Got to find me first, lover." I grunted as I gripped onto my shin and limped towards the showers.

"Lover?" Jacob sounded intrigued and at that, I had to smile. I tiptoed in the opposite direction once I had spotted the back of him. He was getting closer and closer… I thought Jacob would be angry with me once I had confessed I'd lied to him. I told him I couldn't go to his game because I was "busy." Now I was here in the locker rooms with him and he wasn't even scolding me for lying.

This might turn out better than I thought.

"Do you know what I'm going to do with you if you catch me?" I said teasingly, egging him on.

"I can sure guess…" He mumbled. It echoed off the lockers and sounded louder than it should have.

"I'm going to be your little cheerleader," I started, "Cheering you on. You can do _whatever you want to me."_ I said suggestively. I heard Jacob gulp loudly but it only fueled me more.

"Oh really?" He added, walking around. I saw his feet and I knew this would be over soon and I would have what I wanted.

"Really," I tousled my hair with my fingers and slipped out from where the showers were, walking out towards another row of lockers.

"Well, when I get a hold of you, I'm going straight for a touch down." He said smugly, obviously playing along. I smiled to myself, biting my lip before spotting Jacob's head and letting my leg point out of the row of lockers in front of him.

"There you are." He said victoriously. I kept my face hidden but put on a bit of, what you could say was, a peep show. I lifted my skirt so he could see all the way up my leg and I heard him groan.

"Just get out here already." He ordered. I frowned at his intentions to ruin my little show but I stood up and popped out from behind the locker.

"Make sweet love to me- _EMBRY_?" I cried as I popped out form behind the lockers.

"Yeah, who else did you think it was?" He held his arms out and shrugged.

"I thought you were, and then, but you. Wait a second…" I ran my hand though my hair, looking down at the floor.

"You thought I was J-" But Jacob slammed the door open, drenching himself in water from his canister.

"Embry? Renesmee? What the hell?" He took in my outfit, my tousled sex hair, Embry's position, arms wide open. Little did he know that was Embry's way of backing up from me.

"Jacob wait-" I held out my hand and he cocked his head to the side.

"What the hell is going on in here. Can someone please explain to me why my girlfriend is in here with my best friend and they both look awfully guilty." Jacob crossed his arms and I sighed.

This was going to take a while to explain.

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**A/N: HA! L-O-L! Doesn't that just suck big monkey ba- let me stop myself.**

**REVIEW!**


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